Oh, glorious day! We’ve got quite the tale from the Sunshine State for you today, folks. Just in case you were worried that Florida was running out of award-winning crazy stories to keep you entertained, rest assured, the well of madness is as deep as ever. So, buckle up, because today we're venturing into the thrilling tale of neighborly love gone awry, starring a disgruntled Florida man with a serious aversion to dog feces.

Florida man. Two words that bespeak a world where every day is a confusing, terrifying, and amusing joyride. You hear the phrase, and you know you’re in for a wild ride, a story that’ll have you both cringing and laughing in equal measure. And on this fine day, our Florida man has outdone himself.

Let’s set the scene. It's a bright sunny morning: birds are chirping, kids are playing, and the common domesticated pooch is doing its morning business as is customary. Life as we know it, right? Everyone’s enjoying their day until the proverbial sh*t hits the fan, or rather, someone apparently fails to pick it up.

Enter our esteemed Florida man. According to deputies, he had been complaining about his neighbor not cleaning up after the dogs. He told officers that he had complained about the dogs doing their business in his yard, had spoken to the neighbor's wife about it, and several hours later the mess was apparently still there. At that point, he said he moved it to the edge of the driveway.

Now, he did what any reasonable adult would do. You're thinking he went to have another polite conversation with his neighbors about picking up after their dog, right? Oh, no. This is Florida we are talking about, and by 'reasonable' we mean 'completely unhinged.'

According to the neighbor, our chosen champion allegedly opened the door to the home while holding the dog feces, shouted at him, and then threw it at him. And yes, according to the report, it actually hit him. At this point, we have officially left the neighborhood disagreement portion of our program and entered a category of conflict I don't remember seeing covered in any homeowners association handbook.

The neighbor reportedly tried to get him off the property, and a physical fight followed. According to the arrest affidavit, the Florida man then allegedly struck his neighbor in the head. Apparently deciding that dog poop and fists simply weren't enough tools for resolving a disagreement between grown adults, he allegedly grabbed a scooter, lifted it over his head, and threatened the neighbor with it.

A scooter.

Because apparently there comes a moment in every dog-poop dispute when you look around and think, "You know what this situation needs? Transportation equipment."

Now, our Florida man had his own version of events. Deputies said he claimed the two neighbors had an understanding that they could enter each other's homes without knocking and that the neighbor shoved him first when he went over to discuss the dog issue. He even told officers there were "two sides to this story." And technically, he's right. There are two sides to most stories. It's just that most of them don't include airborne dog crap and a scooter being held over someone's head.

There was, however, one little wrinkle in the whole "we can just walk into each other's houses" arrangement. According to deputies, the neighbor produced a recording in which he had reportedly told the man that he was no longer welcome in his home. So apparently the neighborhood open-door policy may have expired before the poop arrived.

And after all of that, this wasn't merely a case of two guys cooling off and agreeing to keep their dogs, poop, scooters, and fists on their respective sides of the property line. Deputies arrested the man, who now faces charges of burglary with battery, aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, and simple battery. Those are allegations and charges, of course, not convictions.

The moral of our dear Florida man story isn't your run-of-the-mill 'pick up your dog's poop'. It's more 'next time you see dog poop in your yard, just remember that it could always be worse'. So, stay safe out there and remember, folks, dog poo etiquette isn't just a consideration, it's apparently capable of becoming a full-blown law enforcement matter, especially if you live in Florida.

And there you have it, another magical moment in Florida's history, because where else would someone allegedly decide a bit of dog crap called for throwing it at another human being, getting into a fight, and eventually introducing a scooter into the negotiations? Ah, Florida, you never disappoint. Stay tuned for our next installation of ‘What the hell, Florida?'

So, until our next beautiful, bizarre, and wholly bewildering story shakes us out of our humdrum existence, a word to the wise from your favorite sarcastic blog: watch where you step, watch where your dog does, and apparently, keep an eye on the scooters too.